I’m very lucky.
Right now all of William’s and Alexander’s friends have cool mothers.
Especially one of them (whom I will refer to as “Mrs. T”). We met on this random day in January at the Kids Library Hour.
Mrs. T and I just hit it off from the start, and since then she has turned into one of my best friends.
And even beyond that, Alexander and her son are exactly the same age. It couldn’t get any better.
And perhaps this is somewhat selfish on my part, but since William and Alexander aren’t old enough to go seek out friends on their own yet, I like that I get to do the seeking!
And so (again, maybe this is completely selfish on my part) I have gravitated toward kids whose parents I want to hang out with.
After all, at this stage in our kids’ lives, they aren’t doing anything on their own. If they’re at the playground, we’re there. If they’re at a restaurant, we’re there. If they’re at the park, we’re there.
The reason I bring this up is because I was telling a family friend this the other night, and he couldn’t believe how “greedy and petty” it sounded that I like to find friends for myself in my boys’ friends’ moms. (I should mention that he isn’t married and he doesn’t have children.)
I just don’t agree.
I distinctly remember a few incidents where we have met kids who are William’s and Alexander’s ages, and like a cow bell ringing in my ear, I could tell their parents were not the kind of people I wanted to hang around with… especially not alone for hours at a time.
I will never forget one Mom at the playground one day in March actually asking me, “Now, can Alexander recite the alphabet yet?”
And as I said, “Not yet,” she gasped. And not a little quiet gasp. It was as if I just told her that I don’t believe in clothes, which is why my kids are running around the playground naked (I’m totally kidding here, I don’t do that!).
But, it got me wondering… as the boys get older and they forge relationships on their own, what do I do when a Mom comes along who – well – I’m just not that into?
And I mean here the type of Mom who you absolutely know in your heart of hearts, when you’re with her, you just can’t act like your total self.
The kind of Mom with whom you may feel uncomfortable bringing up certain topics. The type of Mom whom may not agree with your parenting style (and will tell you what you’re doing wrong, in her opinion).
The type of Mom whom you know that if you met under other circumstances, you would avoid like the plague.
I’m sure we can all still rattle off in our heads the girls throughout our lives whom we stayed away from because, for some reason or another, we just didn’t mesh with.
Well, what happens if that type of woman is your child’s best friend’s mother?
And I don’t even want to go there (yet!) – but what if that woman becomes your son’s or daughter’s mother-in-law (good thing that’s years and years down the line)!?
But in all seriousness, should we all just try to be friends for the sake of the kids?
I know I had friends as a child whose parents my Mom and Dad would never have been be friends with. But I was older and had met these kids in grade school. I wasn’t under 5.
I’m talking right now. The kids are younger and aren’t looking for their true “best friend” yet.
Am I really “greedy and petty” for seeking out Mom friends with whom I enjoy spending time?
- Audrey
I was nodding my head in agreement during the first part of your post and as I started to reach the end, I was already freaking out. The in-law’s thing totally freaked me out. I worry A LOT about those things.
Oh dear.
You’re not greedy, Audrey. Btw, that’s a CUTE candid picture. ^.^
It doesn’t happen to all situation. But my girlfriend married with her kindy friend. And their moms have been hanging out each other since their kids were at kindy.
I’m right with you—–I don’t need to LOVE the parents, but I need to like them, at least a bit. Let’s face it, in most cases, a playdate means I’m there too. I don’t want to be miserable just so my kids can have a playdate!
As they get older, I think this will matter less (drop off playdates take care of that).
Not at all! When they are old enough to seek out the friends they want then you’ll be stuck with whomever you get…lol…but for now, go for it!
Yeah, I’ve had that problem recently too. Gremlin is begging to play with his “favorite friend ever” and I swear if I have to hear the friends mother tell me how God-like her son is one more time….
I figure Gremlin has enough friends whose mothers I DO like.
Good post!
Up until recently our kids’ only real ‘friends’ were the kids of my friends – mainly just because those are the kids that they saw all the time. In the past couple of years they’ve made friends at preschool and it’s really been hard to keep those friendships going for them when the parents are people we’re already friends with. I feel badly that we haven’t set up more playdates with our kids’ friends – I think that’s something we need to try harder at this year, especially since my older ones are both in elementary school now and I know they’ll be making more friends on their own. I worry about the same things though – if I don’t know or like the moms, how to let that not affect the friendship of the kids… Something to think about, I guess!
I don’t think you have to be “friends” with all the parents of your child’s friends, but I think you have to be “friendly”. But there’s a big difference. Just because your child has formed a friendship with someone else does not automatically make their parents your friend. There are just some people you will not get along with and that’s no one’s fault. As far as picking your kid’s friends based on their parents being someone you can be friends with? I think it’s a good idea. Espesically at this age. When you will inevitably be spending longer amounts of time together. And, usually, those will be the parents that share the same parenting style, etc. with you.
I don’t understand how that could be considered greedy or petty. While we do sacrifice alot as mothers, why would actively searching other mothers with whom you may have something in COMMON with be considered that… doesn’t make any sense to me LOL
And although you were able to become friends , in the future, if someone doesn’t mesh with you, you can always be CIVIL without being bff too
Tell your family friend that until he becomes a mom of 3 under 5, he should not draw conclusions
Yes yes yes.
I blogged about this a bit during my son’s first school year months back. There is one BRATTY kid with an equally BRATTY mother, who I just can’t escape from. I’m sure I’ll have more stories when school starts next week. It’s really hard when my son REALLY likes to hang with that bratty kid.
I surely don’t look to be that woman’s close friend, but I do cherish other mothers of my son’s friends. It only makes the kids’ experience stronger if we bond on that adult level. My daughter is now starting school this year, and I hope to make a few more mommy friends.
Great post. I’m sure it’ll be a topic hit on in a lot of blogs, with school starting.
i totally agree with you. i seek out like-minded mamas myself and don’t see anything wrong with it. i think especially when your kids are younger, it just makes sense to befriend parents who parent similarly to yourself. it makes it more enjoyable for everyone.
i do worry about what happens when my kids get older though. my 3 yr old daughter was recently befriending our neighbor’s older daughter who’s like 10. she’s a nice girl, but her parents are completely different from us (they smoke, yell at their kids, etc.). it made me nervous of what’s to come.
Picture me applauding here! I couldn ‘t agree more, its part of the reason I had started a playgroup last year, to make friends with likeminded moms while bringing in playmates for my boys. I do worry about that, now that my oldest is in Preschool! Its not at all petty or selfish, I feel like how the parents are, is going to reflect how their kids act.
Not petty at all. I do the same thing. If you’re going to spend time with someone, it’s only natural that you’d want to feel comfortable, right?
I definitely hang with other moms who have the same parenting style as me–more laid back and casual, rather than hovering and uptight.
How far are we from each other, by the way?
Couldn’t be THAT far. I’m right on the border of RI.
Playdate?
I am so right there with ya! In fact, my Princess made such a friend last year at MDO. You know what I did? I schemed and finagled the Princess’ way out of the same class as the little girl for Preschool. Before you judge, the little girl was very bossy and controlling of the Princess. She is a follower and very shy, so she just went along with whatever ms. bossy boss told her to do. I figure I may as well choose her friends for her while I still can!
I completely agree. It isn’t selfish at all. What do people think that the kids are going to turn out like if the parent’s are complete creeps? I know one particular mother that is actually very nice with the exception that she is incredibly competitive and show-offy. It wasn’t so bad when our boys were little but now her son is that way as well. I have a hard time being with them now because I really do not want my kids to think that life is a braggy competition. A sporting event is fine. Life? No!
So if you don’t like the parent, it could be that those traits will end up with their kids, which could later translate to your own.
Audrey- the first Spotlight is up!
Kris from
Writing In The Mountains
When your children are little you have to pick the friends they are not old enough to FIND THEM. It’s not like you drop off a 2yr old at the play ground and come back hours later. then on the ride home he tell you, “hey mom can Johnny come over tomorrow, here’s his number and maybe you and his mom can hang out while we play” It just doesn’t work like that at a toddlers age. You find moms like you, who parents like you and that is who your little ones play with. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t and you move on.
Once they get older it does get harder because they go to school, join sports and make friends without you there. My rule is I always have to meet the parents of their friends, I can only think of two parents I did not like. Out of all of the kids friends, I think that is a pretty good record. Now here is the petty and selfish part of me, I don’t let my son stay at friends houses, if they want sleep overs the kids have to come to our house. Your kids will make friends with kids who are like them and families that are like their own.
Non parent people are the know it all to raising kids – NOT!
I taught middle and high school for seven years, and I tell people all the time how much that experience changed how I’ll parent.
The most important lesson I learned is how important it is who my kids hang out with. I saw kids make 180 degree turns, for better or for worse, based on who their friends are.
That doesn’t mean I need to love hanging out with their friend’s moms, but it does mean they have to have similar parenting styles and values.
Personally, I won’t hang out with any mother who let’s her kids drink before at least the 8th grade (kidding…9th grade)!
I am a believer in picking their friends now. Like you said, we bring them, so we should enjoy our time too! I do NOT think it petty to pick people you like. Maybe you are teaching them the kind of person to value. To seek out people who are real and who are easy to get along with. It is way more destructive to you AND the child if you are irritated during playtime. Or if you are uncomfortable b/c of an overly zealous mom who makes you feel like a failure!
I think it is wisdom. You are teaching them what a good friend looks like. You are teaching them that other people are fine too but if they are mean or irritating – they have a choice!! I bet if you like the Mom, then the mom is raising her child to follow her lead. The child is learning to be the kind of friend SHE models. Right now your child cannot pick a ‘good’ friend, if he can it is a blessing but likely he will be friends with anybody. Why would you want to leave that to chance?? Especially when you can take the time to show him what a GOOD friend looks like. THat way when he IS older, he will know what a good friend looks like and not a playmate. Playmates are temporary but friends are worth being picky to find!! You are protecting him from potentially harmful and negative influences – THAT IS YOUR JOB!! HE DOESN’T KNOW BETTER NOW!! So I say Go YOu!! You are wise in choosing his friends now!!
Blessings!
I think that right now you are totally going about it the right way. That is how my kids are friends with all their friends. I become friends with the mom and they have kids the same age so why not hang out? If they get to grade school and you won’t let them be friends with somebody because of their parents that is wrong. That, in my opinion, is as bad as not letting them be friends with someone based on their color or financial status. I am in total agreeance at this point.
Just sounds practical to me!
I think you are absolutely right to build your children’s social life around women that you like. It would be unreasonable to expect to spend hours every week at playdates, the park, etc. with women you are uncomfortable around. Good post.
Thanks for visiting my blog, too!
I met my very best friend in the entire world (other than my husband, of course) at our son’s flag football team. We hit it off immediately and she’s been by my side through some of the toughest times in my life. Isn’t it wonderful how we can make friends through our children? A blessing from a blessing!
I agree! Frankly, I’ve discovered that I just don’t have time to be friends with everyone and I really only want to spend time with moms that I can be friends with too.
Wow, there are some long responses, so I’ll keep mine short. I agree with you! Enjoy it while it lasts, because soon he will pick his own friends and you won’t get to have the same mommy interaction anyway.
Very very good article.. I had this discussion with hubby a few weeks ago. There are some parents i love.. my sons best friend morgan is the daughter of my best friend. So that works out, but the other kids some of them I just tolerate for him. Not that they are bad, because I will not surround myself in people i cant stand. But maybe just on a different level then myself.
I want my son to have a variety of friends, but a small amount of extra close ones.
I totally agree with you, and Morning Song’s comment hit the nail on the head! As my kids have started school, it has been harder to pick friends whose families gel with mine.
One of HipChick’s best friends’ mom is on the total different spectrum to me on just about everything. One day, when she started spouting her political beliefs, I just had to hold my tongue for the kids’ sake. But I’m certainly not going out for coffee with this mom any time soon.
It’s OK to moderate your child’s friends while you still can!
I don’t think you are silly. I love hanging out with other moms whose kids are friends with my 18mo. I know as she gets older she will choose her friends and I hope I love their moms. You do spend a lot of time together. I also want to make sure that the families of my daughter’s friends share similar views in parenting and life and know that they will will respect my daughter and treat her well.