Titles. Tags. And labels. STAY AWAY!
May 2, 2008 by Audrey
I was at the playground yesterday with the boys. There were 4 other mothers standing around next to me watching their kids play.
None of us had ever met, but we all had kids that were about the same ages - 5 and under.
Out of the 5 of us there, 4 of us had 3 children. So there were 14 kids playing together. It was very cute.
But then one of the little boys started crying because his older sister “by mistake” threw sand at him.
This mother (obviously embarrassed) ran over to diffuse the sibling situation.
As she was doing her “thing,” one of the other mothers asked the group of mothers, “So which one is your cry baby?”
Cry baby!? Gee… great term for your child.
All of us were a little stunned by the bluntness. After all, we just met.
But then… she goes on.
“My oldest is my cry-baby. All he does is whine. My middle daughter is an emotional roller coaster. Drama. Drama. Drama. She’s up, she’s down. And my youngest is my shining star. He’s the easiest child.”
So let me digest.
Older one = cry baby.
Middle one = drama.
Youngest = star.
Can’t see this not messing them up at all. And let me interject that her youngest is exactly Benjamin’s age. He just turned one last week. Let’s face it, anything could happen.
I just sat there listening to 2 of the other mothers “labeling” their kids too. Shy. Outgoing. Reserved. Little clown. Attention-getter. My athlete. My bookworm. Needy. My messy one.
AND LET ME REPEAT… the kids are all 5 and under! Not one of them is in kindergarten yet!
And the list went on.
I just kept remembering a family friend once telling my parents in front of Jane and me as kids… “Well, I can tell who the little shy one is out of these two.”
It was me. I must have been about 7 or 8 years old. And I have never forgotten that comment. I never had thought of myself as shy, my parents certainly never called me out on it. I just remember thinking, even at the young age, I will NEVER do that to my kids. I always respected my parents for never “labeling” or “tagging” or putting “titles” to any of us 4 kids.
So William, Alex and Ben… yes, you all have different personalities. It’s a beautiful thing to see. And yes, one of you is a little more comfortable in group situations. And yes, one of you likes to be holding my hand. And yes, one of you attracts a lot of attention from strangers with your funny little antics.
But you will never know which one it is. At least not from me. All of you are the funniest… cutest… most outgoing… and most LOVED little men in my life!
- Audrey
*Cross-posted at New England Mamas.
I am so SO guilty of labeling my son as shy. I tried so hard not to do it when he was younger, but people would talk to him and he would just stare at them and refuse to speak and they’d look at me like what is wrong with him? So, I would just reply that he was shy. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, but now I wish I would have just said he doesn’t feel like talking right now or something. He’s outgrowing his shyness though.
I hate it when parents label their kids-my parents did it BADLY-Julie was “the pretty one” Lisa was “the artist” I was “the geek”. And though I know they meant well, it always hurt to think that perhaps they thought I wasn’t attractive or good at anything besides “geeky” school subjects. My second is coming in July, and I will be doing my darnest to never label any of my boys as always being one thing or the other, because I certainly turned into more than a geeky student, as you turned into more than a sky girl. That was a great post, and I am sad for those children, I know how even “innocent” labeling can cause confidence issues and a fear of “breaking the label”.
Oh gosh! I know how that goes. I do know each of my boys’ personalities very well, but never ever ever do we insult them or put them down in front of others or themselves. If it’s something we need to work on, we put much effort into helping them have better character!
Steph
That drives me nutso too! I call bull**** on anyone who does it to my kids, and try hard not to do it to my students too. I think it’s just a lack of education/awareness but how do you tell them that without insulting them?
as a teacher i know how bad the labels can get.
as a mom i refuse to go there.
and thanks for stopping by my world today
I had a huge fight with my MIL about this. I had always sworn that I wouldn’t label my kids. Then my older son had a speech delay and whenever we were at the playground etc. people couldn’t understand him and everyone would get frustrated; the other kids, my sons, other parents not to mention me. I finally started saying that he had a speech delay that he was making great progress with it, and things really did start to get better because the expectations for my son’s speech was lowered. Maybe that sounds bad. What I’m saying is that the other kids and parents really slowed down to listen to what he was saying and tried to help him along. I viewed it like having a broken arm in that if you have a broken arm, you just may have to take things a little slowly temporarily. My MIL was horrified and said I was labeling him. I felt like it was almost mean to know that my child had a problem and not acknowledge it because it made it seem like I was ashamed of it when I really wanted it to be viewed as no big deal; a temporary set-back that was under control. Anyhow, he’s been out of speech therapy for almost two years now and I don’t even think he remembers my saying that. That is really different though than giving someone a permanent trait!
I was labeled as shy when I was a kid too, and didn’t want that for my kids. When our son was young, he had many ear problems, which resulted in hearing loss, therefore making his speech impossible to understand. He knew that people had a hard time understanding him, so he just wouldn’t talk. Strangers, complete strangers, would often times remark about how “shy” he was. It broke my heart. A beautiful boy who at the age of 4 chooses not to speak because he knows people don’t understand. I didn’t explain to them about his speech difficulties, as I didn’t want him to feel bad about it. As his mom, I hate those labels…but maybe I should have done it differently. I can’t change it now! I love that my kids are so different! Both of them are so unique, with their own differences. I love every minute of it! Thanks for this post…
Great post! I, too, was labeled shy and, even though I was and still sometimes am shy with certain people or in certain situations, I remember feeling such shame as kid because of that label. I also remember adults comparing me to another girl my age: They were saying how unatheletic I was by comparison to the other. Again, a lot of shame. And that didn’t necessarily motivate me to experiment with sports. In fact, it paralyzed me during PE class. Thanks for the parental reminder to be careful about labeling.
AMEN! Kids change SO MUCH as they grow up, and labeling them sometimes makes them think they HAVE to be whatever it is someone said about them.
Good for you for letting your kids be who they are
this is a great post and a great reminder to all parents not to label their children. i think sometimes we do it without ever noticing or ever knowing the effect it will have on our kids.
i always tell my son he is the coolest kid on the block. i never thought of it as a label but, you are so right. we have to be careful how we address our little ones.
great post
What a great post. Children have enough with “labels” from school mates - why start them so early by putting a “ceiling” on who they are. They grow in so many ways - I love that you don’t put them in a box.
Auderey I really have to ask where do you get all this energy? Popping out gorgeous boys doesn’t seem to take as much a toll on you as it did on me. What DA secret????
I could not agree more. I really try not to label my kids either (at least not within earshot) and I try not to let others do it as well.
And still, with all that trying, you would not believe how many times I’ve heard my middle child saying, “I’m just the middle child . . . everyone forgets about me.” It makes me want to cry. Ugh!
Apparently these moms hadn’t ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies? Wow. And this is the kind of situation where it is hard to bite your tongue and 1) Not join in their poor conversation and 2) Not say what you want to say about their conversation. Kind of like when my sister calls and talks not-so-great about her husband or in-laws and I quickly change the subject because I don’t want to join in and I don’t want to make her upset with how I really view what she says.
Good for you for resolving to not label your kids - they’ll have to thank you some day.
ACK. It’s so easy to do too. I can see myself joining right into a conversation like that. Thanks for the reminder!
I have it when people label my kids, saying they’re shy or whatever. And I feel badly when I hear other mothers label thier children, it is a hard place to get out of.
Labeling a child will forever affect the way they see themselves and their perception of the world and people around them. For some, they may think it is no big deal, but the afetr effects may be felt years after.
[...] Titles. Tags. Labels. [...]
Funny, I JUST wrote about this and how screwy it is. I find myself doing this even though my kids prove time and time again that they defy the labels.
Thanks for the reminder! I know from my own childhood that kids will self-fulfill their titles. For me it was “bad at math.” I had difficulty with math all through the years, for whatever reason. When I made an A in geometry in 10th grade I remember thinking, “But this can’t be! I’m BAD AT MATH!” Once I realized I wasn’t a math/science dummy I made nearly all A’s in college and even joined the honors college. I’ll have to remember not to generalize Suzi’s challenges by saying she’s good at one thing and bad at another.
I completely agree! I think labels are damaging. It’s much better to uplift and praise our little ones’ - giving specific positive feedback about their character and competence.
This is especially important when it comes to twins. Even though my twins are fraternal and there is no way to mix them up, people still want to differentiate them by labeling them..”Oh, he’s so serious, he’s so outgoing, he’s shy isn’t he…?” It goes on and on. I just tell people they each display all the different emotions at different times, that one isn’t necessarily more this or more that. And, isn’t it usually from people who have spent only 2 minutes with your children??? How can they possibly make a blanket statement about personalities like that? I guess they are just trying to make conversation, albeit feebly.
Thanks so much for shedding light on this. I am totally guilty of this myself, though never intending for it to be hurtful. I think sometimes we moms are looking to connect with one another and figure out how other kids with similar personalities “work”. We’re all guilty of making mistakes in our parenting and certainly have room to learn and grow from others. I, for one, have learned MUCH from this post and will definitely be more mindful of how I frame my children’s personalities and be more deliberate about highlighting their dazzling and strong character traits. Generally, I AM a self-esteem boosting kind of mom (and daughter, wife, teacher, friend), but sometimes don’t realize that my insecurities come out to play in ways that can be hurtful to others.
Now that I’ve had time to think about this, I will for sure handle my comments and discussions with others about my kids in a much different light. Maybe if I could go back to a conversation similar to the one you recounted, I’d say something like:
“You know what I love best about my son? He is as ready for an adventure at the end of the day as he is when the day starts. He greets me with a song, hugs and kisses in the morning and shares the same enthusiastic welcome with his dad at the end of the day. His energy and love of life are priceless!”
Thanks for this great post! I look forward to reading more!