This is the sixth installment of my 10 QUICK RULES FOR RAISING DAUGHTERS WHO WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES AS KIDS, TEENAGERS and ADULTS. I began with Rule #1: Never criticize “the boyfriend.” Next came Rule #2: Never diminish a broken heart. Then Rule #3: Do not show up at Parents’ Night in slippers. And Rule #4: Get your daughter familiar with the three important words – Honest, Honesty and Honestly. And #4.5: Don’t trust Daddys to be objective when it comes to their daughters! And then #5: Daughters and their dogs – not just puppy love.
And now we are at…
RULE# 6: TEACH YOUR DAUGHTER PROPER MANNERS
Ah, the teaching of Manners. Courtesy. Propriety. Politeness. Social Responsibility.
It certainly is a monumental teaching task, and one left primarily to Mom… but once Manners are learned, a life-long foundation has been established.
And this foundation is the greatest gift that you can pass along to your daughter.
I like to call Manners “the invisible handshake.” Manners settle into everything your daughter will do. Manners settle into the mind of each person your daughter will ever meet.
Manners are remembered more than beauty, more than knowledge, more than ambition, more than ability.
That being said, here are my Top 5 Lessons in teaching your daughter that Good Manners bear delicious fruit!
a.) Teach your daughter that a firm handshake serves as a lasting first impression. Teach her the words of Emerson… “I hate the giving of the hand unless the whole man (in this case, woman!) accompanies it.”
Simply said, a firm and meaningful handshake brings the other person into her world. Into her heart. Into her beauty, knowledge, ambition and ability. The few moments of that handshake are the most significant yielding to humanity that she can experience.
Practice with her. Practice with her as soon as she “gets” it! She may be just 2-years old, but she will “get” the idea of the contact… the connection… the courtesy of it all! And people will remember her.
b.) Along with the confident handshake, teach your daughter the importance of direct eye contact. Teach her the words of George Herbert… “The eyes have one language everywhere.”
Our eyes reach into our souls. So that first eye-lock is a connection to the history of each person she meets. And people will remember her.
Teach your daughter to make note of the eye color of each new person she meets… this will guarantee that eye contact is made! Tell her that her beautiful eyes are worthy to be noticed too… by everyone she meets.
Teach her very early on that her lovely eyes converse even when she is not speaking. Even the shyest little girl will delight in the “game” of knowing the colors of eyes!
c.) Ah, Gratitude! Teach your daughter (at a very early age) to send handwritten “Thank You” notes promptly. I will say it again – promptly.
As early as your daughter can hold a crayon and make a mark or two, teach her the courtesy of the Thank You note.
I know Audrey and Jane will say that I tend to go on and on and on [“and on and on and on!” — Jane] when teaching lessons, but this one DID hit home with them.
As they sat staring at blank thank-you cards, with a hundred other things on their minds, I would say, “You know, (insert name of gift giver) had to drive to a store, purchase a gift and a card and probably wrapping paper and a bow, drive home, wrap the gift, drive to our home and spend several hours at your party, and drive back home.
“All you have to do is write (on the cards that I provided, and that I will stamp and mail), ‘Thank you very much for the (insert description of gift). I love it. Thank you for sharing my special day with me.’ What took (name of gift giver) hours and hours, will take you less than 2 minutes.”
Well, it worked (or they just wanted me to STOP talking!)… and today my “girls” have the beautiful reputation of sending thank-you notes so promptly that I still often get comments from friends and relatives [“well, more so Audrey than me, the procrastinating daughter!” — Jane].
Quick story: Audrey brought her lovely thank-you cards on the plane when flying to her honeymoon in Mexico. She mailed them on their layover in Texas, and her guests received the thank-yous before she returned from her honeymoon!
And a quick note: all girls LOVE to have their own stationery, and a reason to use it! This is probably the most important investment you will make in your daughter’s Manner-life! Order her personalized stationery today… and stand over her until Thank You becomes a beautiful habit! People will remember her for it.
And oh yeah… people will also remember her if they have to ask, “Did (your daughter) get my gift?”
d.) Teach your daughter the art of conversation. And even more, teach her to listen.
She will hear more than words. She will learn respect for feelings. She will learn respect for opinions. She will learn sincerity. And even insincerity.
She will learn to be entertained. She will learn to distinguish dialogue from monologue. She will learn to define her own personality. She will learn to interpret and analyze and synthesize. She will learn to concentrate.
She will know when to daydream. She will understand the power of her own thoughts, and how to offer them to the world.
Teach your daughter that everyone has something to say… and people will remember her for it.
[“This is probably the lesson that speaks to me the most. I know I am a very good listener, and I appreciate a good listener, as well… someone who is really concentrating on what I’m saying, and not looking over my shoulder to whatever else is going on.” — Jane]
e.) Teach your daughter this: It is always (and I mean ALWAYS) in her own power to be agreeable.
This may sound simple, but it is the simple truth. Even in the midst of matters of the heart, hassles and hormones, she still has the power to interact with others in an agreeable manner.
Anyone (well, most anyone) will understand a “situation” or two, but it is your responsibility to teach your daughter that stomping and screaming and yes, even silence, are unacceptable behaviors.
A daughter must learn at an early age that people who have no control over her unhappiness at the moment also have no desire to suffer her wrath. [“So very true!” — Jane]
Confidence in her own “being” comes from confidence in her own self-control. We have all been in a situation with parent(s) and a daughter when we could just die of embarrassment for the parent(s)… maybe this could be a Pinks & Blues Contest (oh, my!)… but a daughter who is taught the power to be “agreeable” in the Manners department will be remembered for it. Really remembered!
So back to “the invisible handshake” of Manners…or just plain old courtesy common sense:
Remember that your daughter is, at every moment, looking to you for lessons in propriety.
She sees what you do. She hears what you say. She wants a true sense of direction from you.
With the intrinsic knowledge of Manners, the joys of her childhood, adolescence and adulthood will be all the more joyous with the self-confidence that she deserves. And people will remember her for it!
What great advice! I teach my daughter to look at people in their eyes when she talks to them but what a great idea to ask her what color so I know she is getting it!!
I am a Southern girl and wasn’t taught the firm handshake thing. You know, we are delicate flowers and must be treated as such. I am sure it would be nice to be confident in the handshake as well!
I usually do my kids thank-you’s these days, I will pass this on when they can write. For now, they just make a color mark on the thank-you.
This post made me feel good – I am heading in the right direction for manners. We still have a ways to go but we are on the right track.
I remember my mom laying into me once when I gave her a ‘limp’ handshake! Never did it again!
How come this is only for daughters? What about sons? Boys need manners too.
This was a great article, and unfortunately I know way too many MOMS that need to learn these lessons first, in order to pass them on to their daughters (or sons). Thanks for tackling these “rules.” As a mother of 2 girls (so far) myself, I am really taking them to heart!
Love it. I remember my personalized stationary, as well as the wax and seal that came with it! I’m thinking these days with the craft stores carrying a miriad of fun and funky papers, with printers being as quality as they are, it would be very easy to make her stationary. I believe this will go on my summer ‘to do’ list. Thanks for another good one. xoxo Stacey
What great advice filled with honesty and love. You are a great example.
What a great list! I really enjoyed them, and those would apply with sons too. My mom and dad taught my sister and I these qualities and I hope to be instilling them in my sons. This was a great refresher course, so thank you!
Love your header up above too!
What a great lesson Momma! You hit the nail RIGHT on the head!
Note to self…”Even though Terri Jade is only (almost) 1YO I must at all times maintain my composure and act like a lady!”
loved, loved, loved your post…it is fun to read about your daughters audrey and jane. my husband and i absolutely love those names. we decided over a year ago that when we have a baby girl(God willing) we will name her audrey jane so it is fun for me to hear you talk about your daughters. you did a wonderful job raising them. they always leave such thoughtful comments on my blog.
Oh AMEN, AMEN, AMEN & AMEN!!!! I think etiquette is so important! I joke that at every childbirth a copy of Emily Post’s “Etiquette” should be a mandatory read. Preach on, Mama!!
Couldn’t agree with you more.
Manners make a woman a lady.
This was an incredibly fantastic post! Thank you!
My daughter is going on 20 months and has been using “please, thank you, welcome and bless you” on a daily basis. We are all about manners in this household. =)
Great advice for anyone raising children. They are never too young to learn good manners. We’ve been trying to set good examples for our kids, and it’s such a great feeling when others notice how well mannered your children are too. We’re always getting comments on our son as he’s been taught to always acknowledge people upon meeting them, (he shakes hands too!) please and thank-you’s, and even thanking people for meals and asking to be excused from the table when done. He sometimes forgets now that he’s 7 (what is it with that age?) but is easily reminded. We hope that his little sister follows suit.
I especially liked the part about prompt thank you notes. I am a big keener when it comes to getting thank you notes out the door.
And “Confidence in her own “being” comes from confidence in her own self-control” is just brilliant.
Very well put.
[…] Jun 27th, 2007 by Pinks & Blues Girls The mom in this video obviously didn’t follow these rules! […]
[…] Jul 10th, 2007 by Pinks & Blues Girls My Family Life tagged us a few weeks ago, and we never did the meme – how rude! (Especially since we have been taught such good manners.) […]
If only I had a buck for each time I came to pinksandbluesgirls.wordpress.com! Superb post.
Hi, it is so true, Momy’s and Dady’s need to be taught these lessons to. In order for them to teach their children, and lead throug example. manners are the foundation of our youth, respect them / us and they will respect you to.
[…] For some great tips on teaching your daughters manners, see this post at the Pinks and Blues Girls Blog. One of her tips that is very close to my own heart is teaching your girls (and boys!) to […]